Life update. I didn't get my diet plan and workout schedule today, so I don't really have a new update to that, so while I waited for Dani at the dentist this AM, I wrote this:
Where’s Jessica?
Y’all have been trinkling in week after week in my inbox asking. I want to remind you all that it’s ok to ask people what’s going on in their lives. We should be asking.
She is currently not living with Daniela and I. She is living with one of her sisters, by her own choice.
The last 4 years have slowly become worse and worse. I can’t exactly tell you when it started, but I do know she learned about this Satanic cartoon from her classmates and she began to mimic the cartoon. I didn’t know why she was always tired and where she learned to raise her fist at my face, but these crazy behaviors started. Soon I realized she was stealing computers at night to watch this cartoon. She became so obsessed and watched it for hours through the night.
Back in March, Daniela was extremely sick and Jessica was living outside for 7 straight days. She had run away, which she ran away all the time at this point. So this time, in the middle of the night, she was breaking in through windows to get food then crawl back outside to live. She was sleeping under the house in the dirt or in the fields. She was convinced that I do not get to have rules and regulations. She quit school already by this point. She demanded that she lives how she wanted to without anyone telling her what to do.
Most mornings over the last few years, Jessica woke up angry. Angry that she couldn’t get up when she wanted to! Slamming and breaking things in the house in fits of rage. Literally trashing her entire room tossing everything everywhere.
When school would start, she’d run out of the house screaming, FUCK YOU, Bitch! I’m outta here! Or Burn In hell, you son of a bitch! (Mimicking this cartoon)
If I would be talking to her about something she did, she would get nose to nose and say, “slap me, so I can go to bed because I’m sick and tired of listening to your voice!” Dani usually would come out of her room by now yelling Mom, BACK UP from her! (Dani knows she has some authority to hold me accountable.
2 summers ago she was in a mental institution here in another town. Her psychologist recommended it because she heard voices telling her to kill herself.
She seemed calm for a few weeks then returned to normal. Life was so chaotic. Everyone was miserable.
She also threatened to kill us. Dani and I would hide the knives and sleep together locking the door.
Life became a daily mess. Dani and I would let her sleep late to not wake her, tip toeing around to not let the BOMB wake up.
I knew I was losing my mind. I felt traumatized. You can only ask people to take Jessica so much. The reality is people had their own lives and watching a kid that’s crazy isn’t exactly fun. Some people just said no.
And some said give me that kid and come back when you want to!
One day, Daniela came to me.
Why are you waiting for one of us to get hurt?
Wait. What?
It was like—I see it all and I’m affected by it all, but Daniela woke me up that this is her life, too.
Yeah, Mom, I hate living here. I can’t wait to go to college. I finally got out of my violent life and now, I have to live like that again!? I dream of leaving! I can’t wait to get out of this house.
WAIT.
What if we let her move out like she wants and then no one has to get hurt? YES, Mom! Let her go if she wants to go!
One of my pastor’s is an orphanage director and we had him come to the house to talk to us and Jessica didn’t want to live there.
Ok, what about her local family. Her sister heard she was staying at her aunts and she came into town that night a couple hours away.
I didn’t post because I thought after a day she would wake up and want to live with us. Ok, maybe it will take a week. Maybe a month!? 2 months?
We talk to her almost weekly and every week I end the call asking if she’s ready to come home. The answer is always “No, I don’t want to live with you guys.” We have secret ways in English/Spanish to tell me to come get her. She knows my door is always open and she just needs to call day or night and say, come get me!
I don’t understand but I do know she isn’t having massive breakdowns there. She’s not violent. She doesn’t run away. She hasn’t threatened to kill herself or others.
Dani asked if it upsets me that “I couldn’t do it.”
I started to cry. I don’t think like that, at all. Even if I don’t believe in earthly happiness/joy/peace. I’m thankful for the first time in years cortisol isn’t flooding this child all day long and she’s found some sort of calmness. I cry that she finally doesn’t cry and want to die. If letting her move out keeps everyone alive, then this is the best we can do right now.
I don’t think Jessica is gone from our family forever. I have full Dominican legal rights to her and haven’t signed it over. We pray and fast that God will convict her heart. In the end, you couldn’t say Jesus without her slamming her head against a wall or screaming covering her ears.
My hope is God is with her. And that one day, she will turn. I often have this vision of her on a stage speaking her testimony.
A powerful one it will be.
Join me in prayer as Daniela's little sister's parents are thinking about taking Jessica in. This Dominican family values family, education, and therapy. Jess was in therapy before but her sister said she didn't need it anymore when she moved in there. We are closer to the little sister's family than we are her older sisters. They also have internet and we could talk to Jessica more often.
